Books, How I Love Thee

I know I have not written lately.  I apologize.  It is not that I have not had anything to write about but more so that I have been so wrapped up in reading that when I have a free moment I have tended to pick up my book or Kindle rather than the computer and get lost in a whole different world.

Reading has always been one of my favorite past times.  One can never be bored while surrounded by books.  Also, I do not believe that you can ever spend too much time reading or have too many books, my husband may think otherwise after moving all my books into our new place.  I guess that is the unfortunate part of having a wife that can only lift up to 20 pounds; he has to do all the heavy lifting.

Reading was something that I used to escape from the world I lived in while stuck in a hospital room.  It allowed me to travel worlds previously unknown to me.

What better way to pass the time than to solve murder mysteries with Alex Cross (James Patterson) with each one of his page turning thrillers that grab you and keep you on your toes to the very last page while continuing to be completely wrong about who committed the crime.  Then learning about the life of young Fatima Mernissi (Dreams of Trespass: Tales of A Harem Girlhood) while growing up in a harem and dreaming of the world beyond the courtyard walls, which related to me wanting to know the world and the happenings outside my own walls.  Then adventuring On the Road with Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady through North America in addition to feeling as if I were infinite with Charlie, Sam and Patrick while driving through the tunnel in Perks of Being A Wallflower.

I may not have always remembered what I read further down the road while going through treatments for my leukemia, but for those moments while I was reading I was able to explore different places and escape the confining walls of my hospital room and the hospital itself.  Not only that, but in those relaxing times and for brief moments here and there I was able to forget about everything else that was going on around me.

 Lately I have been spending extra time reading and rereading some of the books I read in the past and really enjoyed.  Something that I have noticed is that books are being turned into movies left and right.  While I truly enjoy the watching these movies (The Hunger Games and Catching Fire, all of the Harry Potter films, and now the Divergent series, and The Mortal Instruments, and one of my favorite authors from the past couple years, John Green with his beautifully written novel, The Fault in Our Stars soon coming to theaters).  I cannot help but wonder if this is promoting reading of the books in anticipation of the films or if it is stopping people from picking up the book and spending time to read.

I have heard it both ways with some saying that they do not need to spend hours and/or days reading a book when they can spend just a couple hours watching the movie.  Others want to read the book first before seeing the film.  Those who have read the book before any notion of a movie feel conflicted that the movie will ruin their love of the book. Others, like me, try to keep them separate while watching and rating the movies but still tend to rate them together when suggesting whether someone should watch the film and/or read the book.

An example is Jodi Picoult's novel "My Sister's Keeper".  As usual Ms. Piccoult's writing is wonderful.  It tugs at your heartstrings and deals with controversial issues.  The movie adaptation is wonderful as well, but is very different from the book.  Not only does it leave out very important parts of the book but it also has a very different ending.  Thus, in my opinion, if you are going to watch the movie then you should also read the book because it will be a different experience than the movie.  Another big example is the Game of Thrones series on HBO.  Many people who watch the show do not read the books, which is a shame since there is a lot of things that are left out of the books.  It would be really hard for all the extra information to be put into that short series for each season/book.  The show really is great, but in my opinion are even better after reading the books.  

How do you feel?  Would you rather watch the movie or television series than read a book? Or, are you one who likes to do both?

Life After Cancer: Follow-up On Previous Post

One of my readers left a wonderful comment on my last post, which got me to think about things slightly differently.

Life is adventurous, and if I would not have had cancer I would not be where I am today and I wouldn't change that for the world. I have been blessed to be able to do some really awesome things, such as travel to Paris, London, see the beaches of Normandy, and I traveled all over Morocco. These were things I only dreamed of doing all those days I was stuck in a hospital room. Sure enough, after getting better I decided to make them a reality. I cannot honestly say that I would have ever gone overseas (except for Paris since I have wanted to go there since I was in high school) if it was not for cancer.

I guess it is all about how one looks at something. It is better to be optimistic and think of all the different things still available rather than focusing on the few things that are no longer possible. This is something that I have been really trying to focus on whenever I start to get upset or sad about not being able to participate in soccer events or join my mom on a horse ride, or even when I think about my future and not being able to be a nurse. However, sometimes you just need to be able to say that life sucks, as long as you let it only be true for a few moments at a time rather than allowing it to consume you.

I may not be able to be a nurse for a career anymore, but I am able to do something else that involves doing something that I live for everyday, helping other people in need. This I am able to do in a variety of ways, I just have to discover all those different opportunities. This is the adventure I am on now and who knows what path it will bring me down.

Shout out to g Vijayank for the wonderful comment on the last post. I hope you and everyone else continues to read and enjoy my blog.

As always, questions and  comments are always welcome.

Lotza love!

Life After Cancer: Losing A Part of Yourself

I read a blog today that got me thinking even more about something. The blog was about losing a body part to cancer and accepting that fact. It was really interesting. But it got me thinking about a different loss.

What if you lose something that makes you feel like yourself?

What could that be? What would it be for you, the reader?

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with after having cancer was changing a lot of the things that I did before cancer. These are the things that I felt contributed to who I was/am. Now, how is this more important that a body part? For starters, losing a body part and losing a part of what makes you feel like yourself area two different things in my mind. Of course it is terrible losing a leg or a breast to cancer, I am not saying that this is easy and I really wish no one had to worry about losing something, but medicine has come a long way in being able to reconstruct some of the parts that can be lost. The only body part I lost from cancer was my ability to have children because of all the radiation and chemotherapy that I endured, as well as being put into early menopause at the age of 19. I am not exactly sure why this happened, but for some reason the doctors did not think about the consequences of a female not having any platelets in her body to help prevent her from bleeding to death when her monthly cycle comes around. Due to that oversight, and me not knowing that could have ever happened and thus never thought about it, the doctors did everything they could to stop the bleeding and as a preventative measure decided that menopause was a good alternative. I would have to agree, but with menopause comes a bunch of other things that a 19 year old gal should not have to worry about. Luckily for me I was able to do hormone replacement therapy for a while to help with some of the heat and cold flashes. At the time I was not really worried about my prospects of having kids because I never wanted any. However, your mind changes when you get older and then get married. Now I wish I could have children, but even if I was able to still conceive children my body would not be able to handle the stress that comes with being pregnant. So, I am rather glad that I can save that money that would have otherwise been spent buying tampons on something that is so much more fun to buy. However, for all my lady friends that come over I generally keep a box on hand just for you just in case.  ;)

So what was it that I lost that made me feel myself?

There are a few things that I have done since I was really young. Riding horses, hiking, playing soccer, and bike riding. You may think these are weird things to have lost due to cancer but for me these are the things that I love and still love today, I just cannot enjoy them like before.

For those who do not know me and have not read other parts of my blog, I had a stem cell transplant in 2005 for Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. The transplant was a success, but it came with many complications. One of which was an attack from my new immune system on my heart and lungs leaving me with a very rare heart and lung disease called Pulmonary Veno-Occlusive Disease. This means that it is harder for my lungs to fill with oxygen and my heart has to work harder to pump oxygenated blood throughout my body. This makes any physical activity hard because I get short of breath easily. Because of that it is almost impossible for me to play soccer, the only sport I enjoy playing, and it is really hard for me to enjoy biking and hiking. Luckily I can still bike a little bit and hike small, semi flat areas, but I really enjoy long non-flat areas, and the same is with biking. It may be silly to miss these things and you may be thinking, well at least you can bike and hike a little bit, and you are right. But, these are things we did every day and all summer long while I was growing up so it is hard to let go of that (and I am not saying that this is harder than losing a leg or a breast or any other body part, this is just another take on losing something to cancer).  You would think after six years I would be over this and just accept that it is something that I just will not be able to do, but I cannot. I am hoping that at some point in time there will be an advancement in medicine that will make these things possible for me again. Is that too much to ask?

The other thing that I have not been able to do for several years now is ride horse. Apparently, after going through menopause your bone density decreases and makes your bones more brittle so they break easier. However, the amount of time between starting menopause and getting to the point where one's bones are weak enough to break easily was unknown. Thus, no one thought to put me on bone strengtheners to help prevent easy breaks. So, after my childhood horse passed away and I got on a new one who, for some reason, spoked at something unknown, I found out just how strong my bones were not. When my horse spoked and jumped I went about an inch up out of the saddle and when I hit the saddle again I broke my pubic bone, which caused a great deal of pain and caused the horse to spoke some more and I hit the saddle horn and broke another part of my pubic bone and then slide off the back side of her and onto the ground. Once I hit the ground I broke my elbow and another area of my pubic bone. Thus, ever since then no one, meaning my mom, will let me ride horse until my bones are strong enough and even then she is not sure she really wants to chance it. Riding horse was a connection that Mom and I had that I loved. Almost every weekend we would pack up the trailer and go camping and trail riding.

Now every summer when Mom packs up for a weekend or longer of trail riding I get very jealous and sad that I cannot go with her. As if losing my horse was not hard enough, I also lost being able to do my favorite thing in the world.

How do you get over giving up things like these that you spent your life doing before you had cancer? Does that feeling of loss ever go away? Should these things be a part of who I am? Am I crazy for letting them be me?

How would you feel if you were no longer able to do just one of your favorite things?

I may have the rest of my life to find something to fill the voids of these things I can no longer do and I am grateful for that, but I have yet to find anything to fill in the holes, yet. But, I am open to any new adventure that comes my way and thanks to the advancements done by research to treat cancer, I have that luxury at least.

Lotza Love!